October 11, 2005

Recently, when Cass and I were at the Ranch 99 (grocery) market, a woman began to loudly yell at her mother because her mother had lost the 10% off coupon that the supermarket sent the woman for her birthday.

The mother was an elderly woman who looked like she was in 80s or 90s,she looked small and neat. The woman, on the other hand, was plump and disheveled. I wondered if they were actually related by blood or related by marriage. The woman was almost making a scene by yelling at her mouth at the checkout, when everyone could see and hear.

Afterwards I reflected on why I was so bothered by this scene. Perhaps it made me think of how I interacted with my mother, and how I would yell at her over the telephone or when we argued. My mother can be exasperating and irrational, but what about my own behavior? Was I behaving as despicably as this woman who publicly berated her mother?

Sometimes I don’t understand why my life takes certain turns and why I'm left feeling lost and exhausted and overwhelmed. There is really no explanation for why I experience what I experienced other than to experience being human and all the frailties of being a living and emoting person.

At times I can feel very optimistic, like the whole world is before me and for my carving out my place. At other times I simply don’t know what the hell I’m doing and I wonder if I’m even doing a good job at doing what I’m supposed to be doing. I don't know whether I’m leaving the world a better place or whether I was too quick to distractions - making a living, coping, striving, interacting with people along the mundane, guarding, negotiating, being polite...

I don’t know and I don’t think I will ever figure this out. This is probably why I’m here.