WHAT?

AUGUST 25, 2003

Should Have Known Better

i suffered from depression most of my life. even now i am on constant lookout for any signs of relapse. are these just blue? will these blues strengthen the grip on my throat and suffocate the life out of me? should i take extra vitamins? drink more water? be on prophylactic medicine and preventive therapy?

now i label myself as "recovered" or at least "in remission". now i find it very difficult to do much for my mental health web site (it's easier to just give things away and hope those things can help). will my articles come across as harsh or unempathetic? have i forgotten what it had felt like to wish not waking up in the morning in case i'd still be alive?

i had promised myself i'd never forget so that i'd forever be grateful to have overcome it. now that i seemed to have overcome it, i can't remember exactly what that sinister depression felt like but for testimonials in my diaries.

i'm supposed to have learned lessons so that i can help other people get through theirs. but i can't seem to want to run far away enough from depression. i watch for it, as if it were contagious. i fear immersing myself in related work and risk restimulating whatever sinister neuronal network was responsible for the darkness.

me, supposedly a biochemist, supposedly to know better.